Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
only if we run a train.
done.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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