He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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