apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
