just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
