I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
