What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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