Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
