It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
FUCK WHALES
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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