I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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