i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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