I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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