his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
