who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
