Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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