So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
