nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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