I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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