i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
this just has baby written all over it
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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