I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
