So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I met the friendliest cop last night
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
