Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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