saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
