I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There's always time for handjobs
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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