he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
