All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
