I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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