...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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