I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
