Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
