Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
