i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
