Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You peed on a flamingo?!?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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