Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
