just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize