Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This can only be settled by a dance off.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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