i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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