you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
