Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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