Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
