Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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