The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
