Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
