I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
