I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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