turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
