Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
