He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
