swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Green mimosas i think yes
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
