At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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