theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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